We all face those times where we feel the walls of life are closing in on us. The past couple of weeks have been that feeling. In 2 weeks my life, family and existence has been shaken, turned upside down and just plain stressful. My mother has been battling diabetes for 24 years now, 2 weeks ago we go to the emergency room because she wasn’t feeling well and BAM. Her kidneys are failing to where she has to be admitted, her potassium levels were sky high and we need to get it down because that dangerous because it can mess with the heart and weaken the muscles and all i heard after that was Charlie Brown’s voice womp, womp, womp. What my ears heard was YOUR MOTHER IS DYING, not what they said but for a daughter who’s close to her mother that’s what I heard. Life pauses and all you do is nothing but cry and pray. 

After testing and all those things my mom had to start Dialysis, we had been praying against it because we’ve heard you don’t live long after you start it. I return to the hospital in the morning and my happy mom I left just hours ago is throwing up, looking like she’s been through hell and back. I sat at the end of her bed just praying and trying not to fall apart because she needs me to be strong. Then boom the Dialysis ports created a blood clot in her throat and it needs testing and requires warfarin (a blood thinning medication) to break it down so it doesn’t travel to her lungs and take her out. My response was to cry out GOD WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO MY FAMILY? I’M FAITHFUL TO YOU, I PRAY, I’M TRYING TO WALK IN YOUR WILL, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? Clear as day I heard ” Be still & know that I am God”. I wasn’t trying to hear that because God you brought me to this place of despair and now you want to tell me trust you? NAW Forget that!

Long story short it turned into a 2 week hospital stay, we had to borrow gas money and I didn’t think we were going to make it out of that dark place. I eventually laid in my bed and cried and said God I’m ready to trust you, I know I doubted you but you ARE GOD. I can’t hold this burden any longer, I can’t let these doctors tell me what they know by books when the touch of your hand can clear this illness right up. If you tell me to be still, God here I stand waiting for your next command. That burden lifted from my chest, I surrendered all that to God and he stepped in & moved those mountains. He knew I’d find my way back to him because he knows BEST. You can try to run the show & all you feel is stress, anxiety, sadness, guilt, despair and like the storm is never going to end.


When you feel despair, when the walls close in on you, when you are ready to throw in the towel just got to Romans 12:12, it says  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. He has given us the tools to maneuver through those dark hours. He has equipped us with his word and I myself don’t go to it enough. We must remember his word is sufficient enough! Remember God loves you and even though it seems like he has forgotten you, he’s sitting there waiting for you to call on him so he can come to your aide. The beautiful thing about coming to him is he loves to be needed by you, he loves to know you will rely on the source that is him. He’s always available to you, just PRAY, cry out to him and he’ll swoop in and make you feel lighter. Don’t hold that burden, give it over to him and let him carry it.