Archives for posts with tag: Black Friday

image

Wow, it has been some time since I have blogged or really done anything related to BFPH. I’m NOT proud of that so here I am trying to revamp it. I remember being in a really healthy spiritual and emotional place when I first started BFPH. Things have changed in my life this year and I’m going to speak briefly about it. This blog (and others) have been on my heart but I just didn’t share it but look out for it because I’ll be posting more and more about my journey this year. Let’s dive right into this blog though.

So, early this year I had the chance to meet a pretty nice guy. We talked, he knew God, he honored my decision to be celibate until marriage and he is a parent. I fell for him rather quickly but kept my feelings to myself until I got the official word for him on his feelings. In April, he expressed to me wanting to keep things light and I was devastated but I went with it. In May, he decided that he wanted more and told me he loved me. I was overjoyed and excited to be in a relationship because after all, I’d been single for 4 years. We communicated well, I was able to open up to him about my past hurts, he was supportive of me reuniting my daughter with her father and just was the man of my dreams. I thanked God nightly for him and we began to speak of marriage a few weeks later. I was really over the moon because as you’ve read previously on my blog I deeply desired marriage and thought God had blessed me with this gift and it was about to happen.

Fast forward down a few more months and I had been getting advice from different sources on what to expect in the next phase of our life. I called my Pastor’s wife for her expertise when we had those little arguments and I was actively preparing to be a wife. Now, I know you can NEVER be fully prepared or prepare to be married but I knew there were little issues I had that I’d need to work on before I could marry this man. I did that work and in my mind all things were a go, for him it was not. Recently, we had a petty argument/misunderstanding that I thought we’d brush over. He had been experiencing mixed feelings and decided he wanted to go another direction with his life. Now this has left me baffled, confused, hurt, shocked and so many other things. I’ve been filled with anger and I’ve acted it out on him and I am not happy about that. You just don’t know how you are going to react to someone who has hurt you very deeply. He has been really vocal about his disdain for my treatment of him. I thought how dare he tell me about how he feels after he has driven a knife through my heart and twisted it? The gall of some people but he is right! Just because I am hurting, my job as a daughter of Christ is to still show love and be kind. But how do you show the love of Christ when you are mad at Christ? Yes, I said it, I am angry with Christ because I felt he should’ve saved me from this pain. That’s a trip isn’t it? I’m smart enough to know that God isn’t at fault for this, I am! My relationship with Christ wasn’t even strong when I entered the relationship but here I was expecting him to honor it. I had begun slipping in my bible studies, engaged in some inappropriate conversations with this man but I expected God to cover me in it?

Well my first and most important priority should have been to get right with the Savior. I should’ve stayed connected to the vine instead of running off trying to become married. I should have been working to become whole in Christ instead of making this man my primary focus and neglecting Christ. Truthfully, God spoke to me MANY times in that relationship and gave me warnings not to make him my mini god. I did not listen because I wanted it so bad, I was willing to run through all the warnings and stop signs to get to my fleshly desires.

Advertisements

image(Photo credit: Bibleapp)

This bible verse just completely wrecked me when I read it. Lately, I’ve been seeking God and honestly it has not been with my whole heart. What I mean by that is, I have been hesitant to completely surrender unto him. I’ve been really honest about my walk and my struggles. I wanted to put in a half effort and get great results and of course I learned, God isn’t going to allow that. I have recently been reading a lot of spiritual books, doing a little meditation and increasing my prayer life. Things have been tense but I still know that God has a plan for me, I just need to be still and trust him.

image

Today just so happens to be my daughter’s 6th birthday and although I had a great time, my mind was running. Thinking about how I am going to make ends meet and it became overwhelming. As I pulled down her decorations I remembered that I was supposed to start my Jesus Calling devotional yesterday. I came into my room, book in hand and decided I was going to start reading it. As I began to read the introduction, I felt an overwhelming feeling to lay down. I ignored my body but kept on reading and I heard God saying to me, “surrender”. I kept reading trying to ignore the voice I had heard and I heard it again, “surrender”. Now, I’ve heard of this type of thing but I always quietly doubted it because it hadn’t happened to me.

imageimageimage(Photo credit: Sarah Young “Jesus Calling”

I could not even believe that God was pulling at my heart strings like that. He knew my “secret” of trying to run from him so he came and got me. When I say I ended up sprawled out, across my bed with tears streaming down my face, I mean it. All I could do was say, “Lord, I surrender” over and over again! I began to tell him that I’m handing it over to him, the guilt, the shame, the impatience, the impurities, the questioning and doubting him. I could not get up and as I poured my heart out to him, I slowly felt a warm peace come over me. I just laid there with my face in my covers and my eyes closed for a minute as he soothed my worried mind. Before I knew it, all that heaviness I’ve been carrying around for weeks just melted right off of me. I didn’t worry about how people would judge me because of the way my life has been going for the past couple of years. I found comfort in Jeremiah 29:11. I felt comfort in the fact that he has a plan for me and in due time, he will reveal it. I don’t have to stack myself up against someone else’s success because he has me in a special spot. He knows the plans he has for me and my season isn’t here yet but he is working behind the scenes for me. He definitely loves me and he has great things in store for me. No matter how tough things get, he is not leaving me but shaping and molding me. Let’s Pray!

Father God,

I come to you now thanking you for revealing yourself to me in a special way. I thank you for hearing my fears, seeing my tears and coming to remind me of your love for me. Lord, this journey may not be easy but you have not and will not leave me. Father I know that you have my best interest at heart and I bless your name for hiding me until I am more mature spiritually. I know that you have great plans for me and you have come to get your daughter and reassure me that everything is going to be okay. Thank you Lord for loving me even when I didn’t want it. Forgive me for pushing you away and doubting your capabilities in my situation. I surrender unto your direction, unto your word and cast all my burdens upon you because I know you will take care of them. Thank you for sustaining me and continuing to open spiritual doors for me to walk through and learn. It is in your mighty name I pray,

Amen

Image

When we decide to give our lives to Christ we believe life is going to change for the better. We know it’s going to be constant work but as far as our trials and tribulations we think those are going to halt, RIGHT?! Nothing could be further from the truth, and that’s the hardest thing to stomach. But that’s not the worst part though, our friends and family who are living a life full of sin are getting blessed left and right and we’re sitting at home trying to make sense of it. We’re sitting home scrolling our social media accounts and can’t help but see someone has gotten a new job, a new car, a new house and we’ve been praying for those very things. We get upset and start to cry out to God asking why they are getting “OUR” blessing. We say things like “Lord so and so doesn’t even believe in you, so and so doesn’t even pay tithes, so and so is shacking up, so and so is selling drugs” and so many other things right? Well I’m here to knock all of those very thoughts out of your mind and give you peace in your season.

Image

In Matthew 6:19-21 we get to see that God is telling us no matter what you see happening around you that you being faithful will pay off. On earth so and so is definitely seeming to do better than you, seems to be getting those things you asked for but once God comes back they have no home. God will supply every need but he does it in his timing, he’s not worried about your need to keep up with the Jones-es. HE’S JUST NOT THAT TYPE OF GOD, he’s more focused on letting you put things into perspective! You have to ask yourself if you want to have things that you can’t take with you and be in hell or do you want to wait on his timing and go be with him in heaven for eternity. Riches on earth is all those people have but God has given you the greatest gift, ETERNAL LIFE. 

Image

 

God let’s us know that rich men will have a hard time getting into heaven and it’s because they won’t even share. I remember reading in the bible Jesus asked a rich man to give his riches away and follow him and have real riches. The man wouldn’t do it! Can you believe that??? He would rather have his earthly goods than to dedicate his life to following and serving CHRIST! With sinners it’s the same way, they’d rather look good to the earthly people than suffer a little following Christ. Aren’t you glad Jesus has you, so you will be set up in heaven with him? I don’t know about you but I’m glad when hell opens up, I’M NOT GOING THERE! If ALL I have to do is follow him, pay my tithes, study his word, pronounce my stance to the world and live in a way that’ll bring people over to know him and be set up for eternity, those sinners can have that life.

Trust me I’m going through a season where I have had to cry, pray, get upset, get happy, trust him and surrender to his will. I know exactly how it feels to be surrounded by sinners who appeared to be winning but still have to believe God for my turn around. I’m currently going through the unemployment season and health of my daughter being at stake so I’m speaking from experience that God CAN AND WILL turn it around. All you have to do is tell him, I know you’re going before me Lord so I trust you! I know those people in my life are seeming to do better than I am but it’s all apart of satan’s plan to get me off my walk with you. I’m not leaving you Lord, I’m not taking my eyes off of you, the devil can be yelling in my face but I’m going to stay focused on you. I know it’s hard, TRUST and BELIEVE I’m fighting my way through right here today. Let’s Pray!

Dear Most Gracious Father,

I thank you for loving me, saving me, waking me up this morning and keeping me in the midst of my storms. I thank you for reminding me in your word that I’m covered. I know at times the lives of sinners can look more appealing than the life I live but it’s just a trick of the devil to take me from you. As I sit here today declaring my trust, faith and belief in you father, you are mine and I am yours. No matter how hard it gets I’ll be grateful for where you have me. I’ll trust in your timing and believe you for my turn around. I know it won’t always be like this, you have promised me in your word that it’ll be greater later. I love you God and thank you for all you’ve done for me and the road you’ve prepared for me ahead. In your powerful name I pray,

Amen