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This bible verse just completely wrecked me when I read it. Lately, I’ve been seeking God and honestly it has not been with my whole heart. What I mean by that is, I have been hesitant to completely surrender unto him. I’ve been really honest about my walk and my struggles. I wanted to put in a half effort and get great results and of course I learned, God isn’t going to allow that. I have recently been reading a lot of spiritual books, doing a little meditation and increasing my prayer life. Things have been tense but I still know that God has a plan for me, I just need to be still and trust him.

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Today just so happens to be my daughter’s 6th birthday and although I had a great time, my mind was running. Thinking about how I am going to make ends meet and it became overwhelming. As I pulled down her decorations I remembered that I was supposed to start my Jesus Calling devotional yesterday. I came into my room, book in hand and decided I was going to start reading it. As I began to read the introduction, I felt an overwhelming feeling to lay down. I ignored my body but kept on reading and I heard God saying to me, “surrender”. I kept reading trying to ignore the voice I had heard and I heard it again, “surrender”. Now, I’ve heard of this type of thing but I always quietly doubted it because it hadn’t happened to me.

imageimageimage(Photo credit: Sarah Young “Jesus Calling”

I could not even believe that God was pulling at my heart strings like that. He knew my “secret” of trying to run from him so he came and got me. When I say I ended up sprawled out, across my bed with tears streaming down my face, I mean it. All I could do was say, “Lord, I surrender” over and over again! I began to tell him that I’m handing it over to him, the guilt, the shame, the impatience, the impurities, the questioning and doubting him. I could not get up and as I poured my heart out to him, I slowly felt a warm peace come over me. I just laid there with my face in my covers and my eyes closed for a minute as he soothed my worried mind. Before I knew it, all that heaviness I’ve been carrying around for weeks just melted right off of me. I didn’t worry about how people would judge me because of the way my life has been going for the past couple of years. I found comfort in Jeremiah 29:11. I felt comfort in the fact that he has a plan for me and in due time, he will reveal it. I don’t have to stack myself up against someone else’s success because he has me in a special spot. He knows the plans he has for me and my season isn’t here yet but he is working behind the scenes for me. He definitely loves me and he has great things in store for me. No matter how tough things get, he is not leaving me but shaping and molding me. Let’s Pray!

Father God,

I come to you now thanking you for revealing yourself to me in a special way. I thank you for hearing my fears, seeing my tears and coming to remind me of your love for me. Lord, this journey may not be easy but you have not and will not leave me. Father I know that you have my best interest at heart and I bless your name for hiding me until I am more mature spiritually. I know that you have great plans for me and you have come to get your daughter and reassure me that everything is going to be okay. Thank you Lord for loving me even when I didn’t want it. Forgive me for pushing you away and doubting your capabilities in my situation. I surrender unto your direction, unto your word and cast all my burdens upon you because I know you will take care of them. Thank you for sustaining me and continuing to open spiritual doors for me to walk through and learn. It is in your mighty name I pray,

Amen

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I can count on both hands and feet how many times people have told me to fight for what I believe in. We believe just because we believe in it, it is going to work in our favor, right? WRONG, I’m here to tell you if you don’t consult God, it is not going to work in your favor. I’ve been placed in difficult positions lately, from friendships to teachers and family and it just gets tough. You think if your fight is for a good cause nobody will be able to deny you and they WILL. 

Recently I decided to reach out to a state program that my daughter attends because it just hasn’t been flowing right. I’d tried speaking to the teacher and she just wasn’t receptive. When I enrolled her I was told it was Pre-K but they had so many different elements in the classroom I didn’t believe she would learn anything. I’m talking about children ages 3-5, some don’t speak English, they were playing all day and I was just fed up. After getting no where with the teacher I finally had to call in the big dogs also known as the director and state officials. It went from the blame game to the straight up “how much money do you have to put toward this program?” I was shocked because I thought inquiring about a proper education for my soon to be kindergartner would be smiled upon. Sadly it was not and I felt totally defeated, I got off the phone feeling like a dart had been shot into my chest.

I simply had to just pull out woman’s biggest weapon known to man, prayer. I laid on my bed and just poured my heart out to God, letting him know how I felt and asking for his direction. I wanted to get things done on MY timing not giving God the upper hand and letting him work things out. I just felt an urgency to “make them do their job” but God was sitting me down to watch him work. Isn’t it sometimes frustrating when we cant get things our way? Don’t you just despise having to stay in your seat when you feel you were called to action? Well don’t because God has a plan for your hardships and frustration.

After my attempts, I’m still unsure of what the outcome is but I trust and believe he is working things out on my behalf. I truly believe he will not let things continue the way they have been going. Although I want to keep fighting for it, I refuse to get in his way trying to fix things myself. He has promised me in his word that what is meant for my bad, he’ll turn for my good so I’ll rest in that. I also know for without faith it is impossible to please him. I won’t give bible scriptures because I want you to go look it up for yourself. Just know that your crying is only momentarily, it has it’s expiration date and he is going to take care of it, WHEN you leave it to him.