Archives for posts with tag: Christian Friendships

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Wow, it has been some time since I have blogged or really done anything related to BFPH. I’m NOT proud of that so here I am trying to revamp it. I remember being in a really healthy spiritual and emotional place when I first started BFPH. Things have changed in my life this year and I’m going to speak briefly about it. This blog (and others) have been on my heart but I just didn’t share it but look out for it because I’ll be posting more and more about my journey this year. Let’s dive right into this blog though.

So, early this year I had the chance to meet a pretty nice guy. We talked, he knew God, he honored my decision to be celibate until marriage and he is a parent. I fell for him rather quickly but kept my feelings to myself until I got the official word for him on his feelings. In April, he expressed to me wanting to keep things light and I was devastated but I went with it. In May, he decided that he wanted more and told me he loved me. I was overjoyed and excited to be in a relationship because after all, I’d been single for 4 years. We communicated well, I was able to open up to him about my past hurts, he was supportive of me reuniting my daughter with her father and just was the man of my dreams. I thanked God nightly for him and we began to speak of marriage a few weeks later. I was really over the moon because as you’ve read previously on my blog I deeply desired marriage and thought God had blessed me with this gift and it was about to happen.

Fast forward down a few more months and I had been getting advice from different sources on what to expect in the next phase of our life. I called my Pastor’s wife for her expertise when we had those little arguments and I was actively preparing to be a wife. Now, I know you can NEVER be fully prepared or prepare to be married but I knew there were little issues I had that I’d need to work on before I could marry this man. I did that work and in my mind all things were a go, for him it was not. Recently, we had a petty argument/misunderstanding that I thought we’d brush over. He had been experiencing mixed feelings and decided he wanted to go another direction with his life. Now this has left me baffled, confused, hurt, shocked and so many other things. I’ve been filled with anger and I’ve acted it out on him and I am not happy about that. You just don’t know how you are going to react to someone who has hurt you very deeply. He has been really vocal about his disdain for my treatment of him. I thought how dare he tell me about how he feels after he has driven a knife through my heart and twisted it? The gall of some people but he is right! Just because I am hurting, my job as a daughter of Christ is to still show love and be kind. But how do you show the love of Christ when you are mad at Christ? Yes, I said it, I am angry with Christ because I felt he should’ve saved me from this pain. That’s a trip isn’t it? I’m smart enough to know that God isn’t at fault for this, I am! My relationship with Christ wasn’t even strong when I entered the relationship but here I was expecting him to honor it. I had begun slipping in my bible studies, engaged in some inappropriate conversations with this man but I expected God to cover me in it?

Well my first and most important priority should have been to get right with the Savior. I should’ve stayed connected to the vine instead of running off trying to become married. I should have been working to become whole in Christ instead of making this man my primary focus and neglecting Christ. Truthfully, God spoke to me MANY times in that relationship and gave me warnings not to make him my mini god. I did not listen because I wanted it so bad, I was willing to run through all the warnings and stop signs to get to my fleshly desires.

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When I think of friendship I think of someone you can count on, pray with, encourage, love and grow with. I’ve always prided myself on being an amazing friend to everyone I come in contact with. I’m very supportive, I’m very loving and I’m very passionate about my friends. With being a christian we have to have an open heart and be a strong force in our friendships. I can remember growing up and I’ve always had a circle of friends and I love/loved them to the highest degree BUT it wasn’t always shown back to me. I was VERY quick to cut people out of my life and in the last year I’ve been working to stop that. I noticed that there was an unforgiving spirit in me that led to me being able to dismiss so easily. But if we’re Christian how can we be so easy to say BYE when Christ is daily forgiving us?

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In the last 2 or 3 years I’ve had to release a lot of people from my life because they didn’t appreciate the gift of me. I mean I would go to one friends house, cook, clean, drive all that and this person wouldn’t even invite me over to her new apartment. I even left my own daughter’s birthday party to drive behind her car because she had expired tags and I didn’t want her to get a ticket. I will go over and beyond the call of friendship for my friends because that’s just how I was raised. I released her from my life and started to reevaluate other friends I’d released in the past. I forgive her but no longer will grant access to my life to her.

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In the last year I’ve had a couple of old friends reach out to me wanting to rekindle a friendship and I was tickled pink. I’ll admit I am STILL struggling with overcoming pride so though I missed them, there was NO WAY I’d tell them first. One friend in particular I heard she wanted to talk and I smiled so bright because I’d been wanting to speak with her. In being a christian I can say God will deal with you when you’re being unfair or too harsh on someone. Funny thing is I’d dreamed I saw the friend before and God told me to release that hurt and in that dream I did. I jumped out of my sleep, breathing heavily because it felt so real. We have to learn to COMMUNICATE, FORGIVE and ADDRESS OUR MESS. I didn’t know how to forgive in the past so I walked around with that heaviness in my heart.

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Now I’ve learned when a friendship doesn’t serve me to talk to that person. I learned to pray over the situation and see if God wants me to remove them from my life. I can admit maybe I wasn’t the best friend to them at a point. I was so busy thinking ” oh you wronged me, to the left”, that I never considered that I may have done them wrong. In growing closer to God I can now admit that I mightn’t missed that I hurt them in the past but they didn’t bring it to my attention. I can also admit that I can be VERY judgmental toward my friends. Yes I’m super mature for 24 years old BUT everyone isn’t on the same maturity level so I have to handle them more carefully. Instead of judging I need to minister to them, encourage them and support them. God gave me the gift of gab because I’m very good with words, encouragement, inspiration and uplift people up. He sent me to spread not only the gospel but to be a light in a dark tunnel for people I encounter. Now being more mature and God doing a MAJOR work in me I can be a better friend, a better mother and even a more mature Christian Woman Of God. Look inside yourself and see if you can improve, look inside yourself and swallow your pride because in Proverbs 16:18-19 we see pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before stumbling. It is better to be humble in spirit with the lowly Than to divide the spoil with the proud. God is showing us to be prideful is going to end in disaster so always realize you can improve, forgive and live a full awesome life. Let’s Pray!

Dear God,

I come to you today asking that you unveil anything that is not like you in me. I ask that you create a clean and forgiving heart in me so that I can better represent you. I want to view people the way you view me Lord and if anything is within me to separate me from your ways father remove it. I ask that you do a work in my heart and bring it to my attention so that I may work on it and improve. Thank you Lord for your grace, mercy and forgiveness toward me. In your mighty and awesome name I pray Lord, Amen.