Archives for posts with tag: GodLead

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Wow, it has been some time since I have blogged or really done anything related to BFPH. I’m NOT proud of that so here I am trying to revamp it. I remember being in a really healthy spiritual and emotional place when I first started BFPH. Things have changed in my life this year and I’m going to speak briefly about it. This blog (and others) have been on my heart but I just didn’t share it but look out for it because I’ll be posting more and more about my journey this year. Let’s dive right into this blog though.

So, early this year I had the chance to meet a pretty nice guy. We talked, he knew God, he honored my decision to be celibate until marriage and he is a parent. I fell for him rather quickly but kept my feelings to myself until I got the official word for him on his feelings. In April, he expressed to me wanting to keep things light and I was devastated but I went with it. In May, he decided that he wanted more and told me he loved me. I was overjoyed and excited to be in a relationship because after all, I’d been single for 4 years. We communicated well, I was able to open up to him about my past hurts, he was supportive of me reuniting my daughter with her father and just was the man of my dreams. I thanked God nightly for him and we began to speak of marriage a few weeks later. I was really over the moon because as you’ve read previously on my blog I deeply desired marriage and thought God had blessed me with this gift and it was about to happen.

Fast forward down a few more months and I had been getting advice from different sources on what to expect in the next phase of our life. I called my Pastor’s wife for her expertise when we had those little arguments and I was actively preparing to be a wife. Now, I know you can NEVER be fully prepared or prepare to be married but I knew there were little issues I had that I’d need to work on before I could marry this man. I did that work and in my mind all things were a go, for him it was not. Recently, we had a petty argument/misunderstanding that I thought we’d brush over. He had been experiencing mixed feelings and decided he wanted to go another direction with his life. Now this has left me baffled, confused, hurt, shocked and so many other things. I’ve been filled with anger and I’ve acted it out on him and I am not happy about that. You just don’t know how you are going to react to someone who has hurt you very deeply. He has been really vocal about his disdain for my treatment of him. I thought how dare he tell me about how he feels after he has driven a knife through my heart and twisted it? The gall of some people but he is right! Just because I am hurting, my job as a daughter of Christ is to still show love and be kind. But how do you show the love of Christ when you are mad at Christ? Yes, I said it, I am angry with Christ because I felt he should’ve saved me from this pain. That’s a trip isn’t it? I’m smart enough to know that God isn’t at fault for this, I am! My relationship with Christ wasn’t even strong when I entered the relationship but here I was expecting him to honor it. I had begun slipping in my bible studies, engaged in some inappropriate conversations with this man but I expected God to cover me in it?

Well my first and most important priority should have been to get right with the Savior. I should’ve stayed connected to the vine instead of running off trying to become married. I should have been working to become whole in Christ instead of making this man my primary focus and neglecting Christ. Truthfully, God spoke to me MANY times in that relationship and gave me warnings not to make him my mini god. I did not listen because I wanted it so bad, I was willing to run through all the warnings and stop signs to get to my fleshly desires.

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As a woman whose been in relationships that weren’t the best for me, I realize how you can get swept up in lust covered as love. It’s very easy to get caught up in the feeling vs. the reality of your relationship. You make excuses for why he/she is the one and how they make your heart smile and so on. He looks like everything you dreamed of as a child, she looks like everything you wanted in a woman as a young boy. What happens when it turns out to be just a facade? What happens when you are gut punched with the reality of he/she not being who lust told you they were on your journey seeking love? I’ll tell you what happens, you end in the fetal position on your bed asking God why.

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Growing up, if you are lucky your parents sat you down and told you what to expect from a relationship. You were raised deep in the word of God and the dangers of premarital sex were explained to you. If you are like most people I know, that didn’t happen so you were left fending for yourself to figure out what love was. I’m 25 and the first time lust was explained to me was in a blog and that was AFTER i became a single mom. I don’t mean the cute version of single mom, I mean the child is with you 24 AND the 7, no social life and no resources kind of single motherhood. The word SOUL TIE was introduced to me last year when I started to diligently seek Christ. I’m writing this blog because even though I got it late, I want to share it with you early, here today, right now.

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What you should know is when you are seeking love God has already given it to you. There is nothing you can do to change the way he feels about you. He knows you are going to mess up and that’s why he sent his son to die for you. What you seek in man or woman, he’s already giving you so be fulfilled in that. Nothing about love equals lust, either it is or it isn’t and that’s how you should view people. I used to be one of those girls who fell in love with potential. Oh it wasn’t anything you could tell me about it either, I’d defend the unemployment, I’d defend the other girls and I’d dare you to challenge me. Granted I’d never picked up a bible to see what God said love was. I don’t want you to be the one who doesn’t pick up a bible so you travel the world seeking something that isn’t real.

The day I woke up from forever was when I’d found myself in a toxic relationship. I thought because I waited 6 months to have sex that I was doing something. I tied my soul up and BAD, for those of you who don’t know a soul tie is when you have sex with someone who has not put some papers and a ring on it! If he didn’t approach you, court you, consult God on your relationship/ courtship, wait for confirmation from God, get a yes from God, propose to you, go to the court house file for a marriage license, stand before you and your family and friends and marry you then get intimate, you’ve tied souls. Premarital sex creates a soul tie because you are sharing your body with someone other than your husband/wife.

I know some people don’t believe it takes all that and those are the people I tell “READ YOUR BIBLE!” I got all caught up with a toxic person even became a mother from that toxic relationship and it brought me to right here today. Now I understand had I not went through that, I wouldn’t have a relationship with Christ. Sure, I identified with Christianity but I never knew it actually came along with task until I gave my life fully to him. I now know if a man wants to have sex, kiss all on me and get in my personal space he isn’t for me! I desire a man of God, not just one who sits in a church on Sunday and Wednesday nights right beside a Pastor because it looks good. I won’t settle for a man other than one who is so lost in God that he bleeds the word because I am lost in my word that way.

I desire a man who is God lead now, not flesh lead because that’ll breed fleshly desires and I’ve been there before. I now know what God says about me, what he requires of me and what it means to have a relationship with him. Just because you are in a relationship that doesn’t bring God glory doesn’t mean you have to stay in it. You can get out of that at anytime, you can stop answering those late night phone calls for him/her tonight. Pick up your bible and read what LOVE truly is and how that’s what you should require and give. Don’t let what you want him/her to be cloud your judgement and cause you to miss out on the one God has for you. You are SOOOOOOOOOO worth the best! You are SOOOO worth being loved and cared for and not just for someone’s temporary pleasures! Don’t leave this earth stuck in the mentality that you should be OK with a flesh lead relationship. You are priceless, God fights for you, he gave his son FOR YOU! I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t give up my only son for a bunch of sinners but God did because he thinks that much of YOU! Just love yourself, just thank God for that thought alone, just start off with you desire for better and progression. Let’s Pray!

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank you for your son, I thank you for this day to do better, I thank you for your love and your mercy. As I sit before you I ask you create in me a clean heart. I ask that you show me how to love myself the way you love me! I need you Lord and you’ve been so merciful and awesome while I’ve been stuck in my mess. I vow to do better and choose to serve you and bring glory and honor to your name. I know I deserve the best and I trust you will bring the best to me as I travel this journey called life. As I fall on my knees begging for your forgiveness for the sins I’ve committed I trust and believe you are working things out for my good. As times get tough I will turn to you and seek your guidance because I know you’ve got me. Thank you Lord for the awakening I’ve been given today and may I be a vessel for you forever.

In your precious name it is I pray,’

Amen